Image from smalltownkidmin.com
[First posted in 2013. Some of us can relate to ‘angry relatives’ who never wish to speak to us, ever, ever! If they’re a notch outside of our immediate family, i.e. spouse, child, parent, sibling — there is not much of a problem since we don’t have to deal with them unless we see them. But when broken relationships are within the family, proximity is a problem and there is avoidance of encountering one another; that takes conscious effort and it’s bothersome to both sides. Christian pastors teaching from Paul’s epistles “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” or even Jesus’ very difficult commandments “love your enemy” and “turn the other cheek” probably practice what they preach. The flock most likely struggle with these NT directives from Jesus and Paul, whether they want to admit it or not, since these are truly difficult to apply.
As former Christians, we now admit we have agonized with obedience to Jesus ‘sermon’ and wondered if we, as re-programmed re-oriented Christians acting as virtual ‘doormats’ and smiling through difficult relationships were ending up as hypocrites. Yes, we were trying very hard to obey outwardly — but inwardly we were still seething and getting sick from being unable to express our true sentiments. . . . yet always feeling guilty and confessing all the time! Yes, we do not let the sun go down with anger inside of us, after all we’re asleep for the night . . . but then we wake up the following day and we’re still struggling with the same negative feelings we were supposed to have gotten rid of yesterday. Help!
One lesson we learned from the wise teachings of Torah-based Rabbis? Unless we act out our negative emotion in a way that is hurtful to our fellow human, we are not ‘in sin’. That makes more sense than the NT teachings on internal struggles with temptation that remain in mind and heart and never translate into action which is when it does become hurtful to others. We hurt only ourselves though that is still not good, eh? So here’s sober advice from the Jewish perspective, written by Rabbi Benjamin Rappaport (aish.com); perhaps it will make more sense to those struggling with UNforgiveness. This is seasonally posted deliberately during the 10 days before the Day of Repentance, the Leviticus 23 feast of Yom Kippur. Strangely, 9 days are devoted to self-examination in relation to horizontal relationships, why? Because people are who we deal with day in and day out: family, relatives, friends, acquaintances, co-workers. In that line-up, do we have ‘broken’ relationships? Were we responsible . . . and even if not, what is our obligation to our ‘neighbor’ according to Torah? And do we have to mend that before we approach YHWH on day 10 for sins against Him?—Admin 1.]
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Tools for dropping the toxic baggage.
by Rabbi Benjamin RapaportLetting go of a hurt can be hard. When feeling wronged it’s natural to want the perpetrator to be punished, or at least to apologize and acknowledge what they did wrong. When no apology is forthcoming, we often bear a grudge and end up being the ones who are suffering.
To help us put down our toxic baggage, the Sages, with their profound understanding of human nature, instituted a special forgiveness prayer to be said before going to bed.
In this prayer, which can be found in the Siddur, we proclaim:
“I forgive all those
who may have hurt or aggravated me
either physically, monetarily, or emotionally,
whether unknowingly or willfully,
whether accidentally or intentionally,
whether in speech or in action,
whether in this incarnation or another,
and may no person be punished
on account of me…”
Forgiveness does not mean that we condone what has been done, or that we necessarily reconcile with the person who hurt us. Sometimes this is not in our best interests. What it means is that we let go of being stuck in our own negative emotions and the wishing for whoever hurt us to be punished.
This is much easier said than done. Here are five powerful strategies that can help us let go more easily:
1. It is good for our health – Forgiving others has significant health advantages. The Stanford Forgiveness Project (2001) conducted a large-scale study on the effects of forgiveness across a number of variables. They found that forgiveness significantly reduces levels of stress, feelings of anger, feelings of hurt, and increases levels of optimism.
2. Finding meaning – One of the basic tenets of Judaism is that there is a reason for everything. Oftentimes, the life lessons that are most precious come at the greatest cost. While we would not choose to be hurt, we often learn the most about our resilience, our strengths, and what really matters to us specifically from those events that are really hard. By appreciating what we may have gained in growth, it may become easier to let go of the negativity that brought us to where we are now in our understanding of life.
3. Judgment – Realize that when we feel wronged it has a lot to do with how we perceive the actions and motives of another person. The Sages teach that we should not judge a person until we have walked in their shoes, partly because of the difficulty of judging accurately.1We need to ask ourselves if our reading of the situation is completely accurate. Perhaps things are not exactly as we imagine them to be, and even if they are, can we really understand everything that brought another to behave as they did. Do we have in front of us all the different pieces that contributed to the puzzle of that person, at that time? When we consider a bigger picture and our own limitations of grasping it, this may soften our stance and make it easier to forgive.
4. The Golden Rule – Everyone makes mistakes, including us, and the same way that we would want others to forgive us for our offences we should likewise be willing to extend forgiveness to others. We are not able to control anyone else’s behavior except for our own and we cannot make anyone own up to something they do not want to. But we can choose to take a higher road and be willing to forgive even if no apology is forthcoming.
5. Forgive Yourself – How we relate to others, and how we relate to ourselves, is often two sides of the same coin. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is the one who looks back at us from the mirror. Whether it is for opportunities missed, mistakes made, or perceived imperfections we sometimes carry a grudge against ourselves. As a result, we may suffer feelings of low self-esteem and a host of other negative emotions. When we are more willing to forgive ourselves this can open the door to forgiving others a bit more easily. The Torah famously states that we should love our neighbor as we love ourselves. This implies that our ability to love others is based on our ability to love ourselves. Forgiving ourselves is a good place to start.
There is an amazing story about Rabbi Yisrael Salanter, the founder of the Mussar movement, that highlights the value of forgiveness. Rabbi Salanter was once traveling on a train with a young man who didn’t recognizing him, and the young traveler was incredibly rude and insulting. When they reached their destination, the young man saw the huge welcoming party that had gathered to greet his traveling companion, Rabbi Yisrael Salanter. He was horrified when he realized whom he had insulted.
He found out where Rabbi Salanter was staying and went to ask his forgiveness. Rabbi Salanter received him warmly and asked him about the nature of his trip. He replied that he came to be tested as a shochet (a ritual slaughterer). Rabbi Salanter sent him to a relative of his, who was a prominent Rabbi in the town, to be examined. The young man’s proficiency was found to be quite lacking. Rabbi Salanter hired an expert shochet to teach the young man, at his own great expense, until the young man was able to receive the certification he desired.
Rabbi Salanter was asked why he went to such lengths to help this young man, whom he hardly even knew. He replied that when he was traveling with him, he had been insulted. Although he had forgiven the young man immediately, he was concerned that perhaps his forgiveness had been incomplete, and that he had held on to a vestige of resentment. In order to counteract this, he went out of his way to act in kindness to the young man, to eradicate any ill will he may have felt toward him.
If Rabbi Salanter was willing to pay so much, he must have deemed the expense of holding on to any resentment as being even greater.
Saying the forgiveness prayer allows us to put negativity behind us at the end of each day, going to sleep with a clear mind and heart. Try reciting it each night. You’ll be amazed at the difference it makes.
1. Pirkei Avos, 2:4
Q: I recently attended a family reunion. My parents were there, as well as my brothers with their wives and kids. My brothers are very bitter toward my parents, and have also distanced themselves from me. I think my brothers are jealous of me because I am the only daughter, and I got more attention growing up.I really want to be close with my family. I have no hard feelings and want to get along. What can I do to have a better relationship with my brothers? The current situation is very painful for me.
The Aish Rabbi Replies:It is truly frustrating to experience negativity toward us when in reality we did nothing wrong. But first of all, you need to realize that other people’s free will is not in your hands. While you can encourage them in a good direction, ultimately they make their own decisions in life.
How can you build a relationship with your brothers in the future?
Here are some suggestions:
1) Send greeting cards to commemorate various holiday or special events, such as Rosh Hashana, a Bar mitzvah, wedding, birth of a child, etc. Snail mail is much better than electronic. Even if you don’t hear back from them, just keep sending the cards. Also, call on special occasions to wish them well.
2) Don’t hesitate to build an independent relationship with your nieces and nephews. Eventually, these kids will grow up, go off to college, and make their own lives. There is no reason that the tension between you and your brothers should carry over into these relationships as well.
3) Think about your brothers and generate love in your heart. It has a long-distance effect.
4) Make sure this sibling rivalry does not repeat itself with your own children. One of the most beautiful customs in Jewish life is for parents to bless their children at the start of the Friday night Shabbat meal.
- Girls receive the blessing: “May God make you like the matriarchs Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah.”
- Boys are blessed – not to be like the patriarchs Abraham, Isaac and Jacob – but rather “like Ephraim and Menashe.” Why?
One explanation is that Ephraim and Menashe were the first set of Jewish brothers who did not fight.
Abraham’s two sons – Isaac and Ishmael – could not get along, and their disagreements form the basis of the Arab-Israeli conflict till today.
Isaac’s two sons – Jacob and Esav – were so contentious that Esav repeatedly sought to kill Jacob and instructed his descendants to do the same.
Even Jacob’s own sons stumbled when they sold their brother Joseph to slavery in Egypt. This explains why, when Jacob blessed the Ephraim and Menashe, he purposely switched his hands, blessing the younger Ephraim before the older Menashe. Jacob wished to emphasize there was no rivalry between these brothers. (see Genesis 48:13-14).
It is with this thought that parents bless their children today. For there is no greater blessing than peace among siblings. And it is this same hope that God holds for all the Jewish people.
May the days of peace come soon.